An idea so simple and so common that you would never believe it is so hard to find. That moment when you feel happy with yourself and you are actually able to share that good emotion with all those marvelous people that you are surounded by. You finally feel complete, colors are brighter, food tastes better, you wake up every morning feeling trully blessed.
So then why is it so damn hard to find that last piece of the puzzle to complete your idea of a happy passage through life? You turn your head to the right, you turn your head to the left, constantly in a neverending search. Scenarios play in your head, you imagine sharing your soul, sharing and showing your true self with another, and yet again you cannot seem to find…anything…
Tired of all the waiting. You grow to love, well…like, cause love is a strong word, all sorts of people around you but only as friends. Is it all in vain?
All we need is faith! Faith in the fact that it will come…maybe…one day…
charades night
it’s just another Friday night. she is not feeling the whole clubbing groove tonight, so she went to a friend’s house for a chill game night, some light drinking, a relaxing good time. she got there with a bottle of red wine, her favorite cheap red wine. the minute she walked through the door, everyone hugged her, one by one; they were all excited she finally got there. it doesn’t take to be a genius to tell that they all loved her.
the last couple of months haven’t been that great for her. she was suffering, but trying to get over her problems and move on. from the girl full of joy, the life of the party, only a ghost, a memory of that remained. she put a fake smile during charades, and somehow got lost in her own lie and started enjoying herself. the fake smile, surely and slowly turned into a real one. but it didn’t last…
the evening went on, the games came to an end, and everyone gathered around in the living room, some were sitting on the fluffy grey carpet, some on chairs, etc. she snuggled on the couch, right on the edge, holding a pillow in her arms, looking all cute and cozy. the discussions didn’t seem to really matter to her, she already spaced out, sunk in her deep thoughts about what is she doing with her life, how can and more pressing, how will she move on? she was convinced that her happiness was summed up by a few little funny moments with her friends, nothing more.
so there she was, lying on the couch. she grabbed her legs to her chest and she pulled out of her jeans a pair of headphones. she put them on, took out her phone, answered some guy who was texting her and played her favorite song. suddenly the world was off, and she started humming the lyrics, without anyone noticing it. nobody noticed except him, the guy sitting in the corner of the room, on the floor, with a glass of wine in one hand and a lit cigar in the other. he couldn’t get his eyes off her.
it was not one of her best days. she buried herself in work, she didn’t leave the house for the past week so the look she went for this friday was a pair of blue jeans, a white tank top and a red hoodie. she skipped a couple of love songs and then found another favorite. this time she was not humming the lyrics, she really felt this one and started playing the air-drums with her eyes closed.
he started laughing. the rest were too caught up talking their non-sense. it was like she felt him laughing, cause right when he did, she opened her eyes and saw him smiling at her. that dumb and pure smile. she blushed and took her headphones off. „i think I am done with this for the evening” she thought to herself. he was very shy so he tried to fake his way into the conversation. she was intrigued by him, so she watched him for about 5 seconds and caught his eye once more. they both immediately started laughing. his glass of wine was empty so he left the room to get a refill.
curious and guided by a strange impulse, she followed him into the kitchen.
„Hi! I’m Chloe!” she said with an unknown strain of confidence.
„Hi Chloe! I’m Mark! It’s very nice to meet you! Would you like a glass of whine to go with the drumming?”
„Sure, why not?” she said with a smile on her face.
„I just love your band, what’s it called?”
they both started laughing again and sat on the kitchen counter, talking…
oarecare
oboseala. griji. panici. mesaje pierdute in substraturi ale unor ganduri ascunse. nervi, ai vrea sa crezi ca asta e tot ce a ramas. minciuni spre constiinta. oboseala dispare, se transforma in altceva. nu mai intelegi nimic. tacere. astepti sa ti se termine bateria la telefon, ca macar asa stii o treaba, nu mai ai ce verifica pana ajungi la incarcatorul pe care fix azi nu il ai la tine. tipic, ajungi acasa cu baterie 1% si conexiunea este in continuare deschisa. aprinzi a nu stiu cata tigara. fum…
ai crezut ca va fi diferit, ca e ceva special. defapt, ai vrut sa crezi asta. nu ti-ai ridicat niciun fel de asteptari la fileu, dar erai constient de aceste asteptari care prind contur in capul tau. cat sa te minti? ramane un gol, cu ce il umpli? cu ce il umpli dupa ce ai crezut ca un anume gol din viata ta poate incepe sa se umple si apoi intr-o secunda apare o fisura care nu e in controlul tau? exagerari, comparatii, cuvinte…
te dor ochii. liniste. o piesa merge in surdina, dar parca nu o auzi. oare? treci dintr-un gand in altul, fiecare la fel de plauzibil ca urmatorul, fiecare in antiteza cu ultimul, dar la fel de adevarat. inspiri adanc, sufli cu putere…a iesit starea din tine? ai crezut?…care?
te arunci, crezi ca va fi ok, ce ai de pierdut? si totusi sunt momente in care chiar daca nu ai pierdut nimic, ai impresia ca ai acelasi lucru, nimic, ca ai castigat nimic. ai pierdut? oare? esti constient ca dramatizezi. esti constient ca exagerezi asupra „gravitatii” situatiei, dar dintr-o dorinta sadica, te complaci in situatia asta. parca a trecut cam mult de la ultima stare nasola. ca pe ceas, la ora X , e timpul!
ai face ceva diferit? ai vreun regret? care?
e liniste, revin nervii, iar dispar. linistea ramane. ramai un oarecare…
going insane.
insomnia. summer nights ending at the sight of morning light. the end of summer, what is living? where is the thrill, the chase, the goal, the holy grail? minutes passing by one after the other much alike the grains of sand flowing from one side to the other of the hourglass. i wish i could time travel…
a teaspoon. a teaspoon of happiness dropped in that cup that is life itself. hot steaming drops of water fill the cup with endless unimportant events as if there is no „too much”. the gravity of it all drowns the tea-bag creating a whole new different perspective for the cup. colorless water turns into a shade of black, thus the black tea’s aroma, it’s steam floats gently towards the ceiling, towards the sky, towards escape. i wish i could fly…
overthinking. the movie that will always play again and again in our own and private cinemas. as you watch it for the second time, third time etc, you notice details that didn’t captivate your attention previous times. analyzing just to fully understand things that sometimes are better left enigmas. the fear for the unknown. embrace the unknown, challenge it, and finally conquer it! the subconcious mind, a place for the unknown impulses and motivations. the place where guilt has its own playground. i wish i could read thoughts…
lack of sleep. lack of perspective. lack of meaningless joy. not seeing the bigger, better picture, although there always is a bigger better picture. we just can’t always capture is sometimes…
inflection point
your mood. oscillating from depression to fulfillness, constantly changing between two either small or large mental impacts. confusion. anger. you get blindsided by your own consciousness, slowly becoming nothing but a comatosed-like being. you start sulking, burning in need of life-energy. shackles keep you in place, clinched to the ground. there is no escape, not yet anyway…
breath in. breath out. repeat that a couple of times. then you peak. after hours, days, weeks of self-pity you peak. you hit that border that changes things. you come around. your down is up, your left is right, your in is out. determine that
peak! can you do that? can you find what or who is your peak?
distraction. fake it till you make it. coping with this stance, „I’m fine. no, really, I am ok!” slowly becomes exhausting, and throws you off even more, because again you are not yourself. losing your way, slowly fading into numb-land. you drink, you smoke, you kill. you try to kill the pain, you try to extinguish any fragment of the mortal being that you are, in hope of a revelation. a change. aspiring to your peak, you lowest point, your inflection point.
that little change that ruins everything. that little change that solves everything. it can be the smallest gesture from someone unimportant. it can be a person, a smile, a couple of words. if you can’t find that, basically you are fucked, fucked up!
I don’t care! I don’t feel! I don’t…
vOid 